There is a Neil Diamond song from the album Jonathan Livingston Seagull with lyrics that encapsulate this week; ‘lost in a painted sky’. I have been dependent upon friends to keep me this side of hopelessly lost.
Chico is currently snuggled up with me, unsure what is wrong, but knowing something is wrong. He snuggles so much more when something is not right. He is so upset that he peed on the curtains again and I ignored it, which tells him how unsettled things are. I’m sure I will do something about it when it gets hot and starts to stink.
I have let so much go this week, the dog’s pee on the curtains. The attitude of people who wish to pass judgement without the whole story. The myriad people complaining about how awful it has been this year to not be able to catch up with friends.
This last one is the hardest to let go. I know I am distressed by the sharp stabbing shoulder pain that grabs incessantly at my attention. I lost my wife. Permanently. To death. My best friend is gone. I can never sit in a room with her again. Covid or not.
Covid has kept me from my son, my whanau and my whanau. I think my wairua is tired. I just want to sit with Chico and stare at the beautiful view. And blast my thoughts out of my head with loud AC/DC. Too many other songs bring tears to my heart and I do not want them to run from my eyes because I cannot explain why they are they to myself or anyone else.
Many of my friends had hard weeks, lost in pain and sorrow or illness. Jane, my wonderful friend and wife worked so hard not to be lost in pain or sorrow or illness, until that night when she was lost to everyone and everything. Her body stopping working forever.
I am not sure I have any wise words this week. Other than love takes many forms, friendship, family, partners and sometimes a myriad of forms in the one person. When you love someone, for me that love is true only of I want what is best for them, what will make them happy. Of course having Jane alive would have made me happy, but her body was so crapped out and her mind in so much pain that living would have turned into existing which would have made her miserable.
Maybe my wise words are be kind. To yourself and to others. Let go the things you cannot change. Change the way you interact with others to be gentler even when you are hurting.
Perhaps I am not just lost. Perhaps I am truly hurting now. Truly aware of what I have lost. Arohanui Jane.