Really?

At what point should one trust that someone is saying what they mean and meaning what they say? Can we really ever trust someone completely?

I, along with a sizeable number of other autistics struggle to understand subtle complexities of language. Like for example whether someone is being serious or if they are teasing. And if they say they are teasing, are they really? Or is that an excuse used to justify bad behaviour (saying something that was upsetting or offensive)?

I am trying not to over think things currently. To be more present in the now and not worry so much about the past or the future. This is however, incredibly difficult as I am a fairly typical autistic who over analyses everything usually.

A friend keeps telling me to ‘just stop thinking’ when I am stressed. Really?! So I thought I would make a serious effort at this. I have tried before. When they first started saying this nearly a year ago. But it was a half hearted attempt as I was muddling along with my broken heart trying my best just to function.

Almost a year on, I am mostly doing well, though my shoulder indicates this is not really the case all of the time. I am finding however, that if I can stay present in the moment and NOT think so much about the past or the future, that I am happier and more content.

But that does not seem like a super practical strategy to me. I mean, I have to plan what I am doing for work for the next week or so – which means thinking about the future. And I still get caught in the broken record thinking about things that were or what could have been.

For example, I got sunburned at the beach on Sunday. I haven’t been sunburned for years. Jane would have been so cross with me for getting sunburned. But she is not here to be cross. She died and left us all behind. I was briefly angry with her for leaving me behind. Which is ridiculous. Really, it’s not as if she did it on purpose.

Anyway, the beach was purely meant to be a distraction because I wasn’t feeling energised enough to paint the hallway and I have this urge to do so before the year anniversary of Jane’s death. Why? Who knows. Does it matter? Do I need to do it? Will it make me feel any different? Who knows. I have a crazy busy week with work and so it will be hard to fit in, we shall see if I get it done or not.

Take care everyone. Try and be present for yourself. Be kind and forgiving of yourself if that is too hard to do all of the time. Baby steps are still steps forward.