Perhaps I am just tired. Perhaps this is the post achievement crash. My interoception is good enough to know I don’t feel ok but not accurate enough to know what is wrong.

For the literal among you I do have a GP appointment booked for Monday.

For the spiritual amongst you, I know my wairua is crushed by the enormity of the atrocities in the world right now. Quests for power trashing the lives of ordinary people, many of whom had very little in the first place.

Entitled people putting profit before kindness. Privileged people destroying the country of those clinging to lands that others tread on without care, but with an eye on the profit.

Perhaps all this is why I feel the way I feel. Perhaps it is the fear that I will not be able to get on the plane in a few weeks to take my wife’s ashes home. She needs to be on the whenua that spoke to her heart.

I need her to be there. I need to breathe the air above the land she will rest in. And yet these needs, are they important in a world where people are killed for looking different or behaving in ways that majority culture doesn’t approve of. I am not sure I can reconcile these things….

Perhaps my heart is just heavy for the loss of so much by so many. My personal loss just a minuscule drop in the oceans of loss.

Please be nice to people, you never know what hurt they are carrying for themselves or others.